Breakdown
by Ki-KiGND
Summary: The Group breaks up. And things go down hill from there. Who knew they actually needed eachother? All of them did. So what do you do? Pick up the pieces and try to make things better. But will it work? CHAPTER 3 UP!
1. Bitter, Bruised and Broken

**So it's been a while since I've written any fic at all. I've been away from my computer a lot. But I'm back and I totally have insperation for this. Big time. But the first chapter is from Marks POV. What else?... Oh I don't own RENT obviously. And... the people involved in this fic are going to be Mark, Roger and Maureen. Because those I just write best as... well with the exception of Roger. We'll see how I do as him... **

**Bitter, Bruised and Broken**

**xXx**

God, I'm shaking like a fucking junky.

Oho can't say something like that out loud. Not in present company. I glanced across the room at Roger then looked away quickly as he looked back at me. Don't be so cold. He used to be your best friend. Well wasn't he still? I was never to sure on the terms of breaking a friendship off. For all I knew we were still best friends. Wouldn't that just be a kicker? Yes. We hadn't talked in about a year but hey... we were still technically best friends. Though neither of us were for technicalities so I suppose we aren't anymore. I picked up my glass of water the ice clinking against the glass feeling like it was echoing in the deadly silent room.

Again that all went back to the fact that I was shaking like a fucking junky. Sweating like one too. Why was this so nerve racking? I had known most of these people for years. I was close with them all... Had been close... once. And the last thing I needed was Maureen giving me that look she was giving me. What? WHAT? God damn it stop looking at me! Stupid Maureen. I had half a nerve to give her the finger in return. Yeah. But I didn't. Why not? Because... she's Maureen. And I know better then anyone how she loves to bite. I would like to keep my finger thank you very much.

Well... this was awkward. Why wasn't anyone talking? We came here to talk. We had all agreed. Agreed that we needed to at least talk. See where we went wrong. Though I knew. We went wrong when we started going our separate ways. Our lives were so great before. And then one by one either someone died or moved away. When you venture away from the support you had it made things hard. Extremely hard. And it hurt to think that every step that I would take never got me to far. Not as far as I would have gotten when I was with them. We should have never tried to make it on our own. I should have seen this coming. It was what I did. I stopped people from doing things that they would regret. Or try to stop them. Give them warnings. Well where was I when Joanne moved away? Where was I when Collins died? Where was I when Mimi had died?

I don't know. But that is to much for one person to bare on their own. No one ever helped me. No one ever fucking listened when I had a problem. No one ever cared when something happened to me. Did I honestly care about that though? They were perverse thoughts that disgusted me, but yes... I did care. I stopped caring about them because they never cared about me. The truth hurts. But it's still the truth.

Is it possible to drown yourself in a glass of water? Because if it is... that sounded like a pretty good idea at the moment. Anything would be better then being here. With them. It probably hurt more to remember that I do miss them. Is it possible to miss someone who is sitting right next to you? Yes, it was. They weren't always next to me though. I wasn't the only one who hadn't been there. Roger and Maureen were both guilty of it as well. Maybe that was why we were the only ones left. We were still at least mentally sane to some extent because he hadn't been there. People don't deserve to go through what we all went through. Loosing so many friends. It was wrong. The only way to get through it was to detach. And Roger had scrutinized me for doing just that. Filthy hypocrite. If anyone was guilty of detaching it was him. Bastard...

There was a thin line between despair and insanity. And we all three have been walking it for the past year. Which is why we are all here now. To try to fix what is left of our lives. Fix what we can at least. The pieces may be to small and to scattered. But we need to try. Why are they still looking at me? Do they want me to talk? Why? Oh, right... because I'm Mark. I'm the one who helped get things started. I didn't want to be, but if I didn't I would have that nagging feeling. And at the moment I had the nagging feeling that I was going to be stared at all night if I didn't say something. These two were adults and they were acting like I was their kindergarten teacher. God. Well... might as well say something... But what...

"So, what have you guys been up to?"

**xXx**

**Review! **

**Oh and I totally have to tell you the deal on Thats Poetic... I'll probably update soon. But like I said I've been away for a while... Sorry guys. **


	2. Life isn't Fair

**Chapter two. Whoo. I still don't own RENT or any of the characters blah blah blah. Anyway this is c****ontinuing** ** from Mark's POV. Read and Review kids!**

**xXx**

"So, what have you guys been up to?"

I looked around at the other two who gazed back at me looking, for lack of a better word, relieved that I had actually said something. They all probably would have sat in silence for another hour if it weren't for me. That was so odd to think. But now they were looking at each other as if mentally fighting who should speak first. Back when they were all still friends two things would be different. One Maureen would definitely speak first. And two the argument would be less mental and more verbal. Just another way to show things had changed. And not in a good way.

"Uhm, well," Maureen finally said apparently loosing the mental argument. "I really haven't been up to much." Liar. "You know, just performing-" on Broadway. "Nothing really that important." No, just achieving your dream. Not to important at all. It took quite a lot but apparently Maureen was not so full of herself anymore. Wow, it was like a miracle. Though not a good one. "That's really all..." She finished and shrugged her shoulders glancing out the window. She was contemplating jumping. I could tell. Do it. Do it... That would be something to break the ice. Come on Maureen, take one for the team. After she looked back at me I realized that probably wasn't going to happen. To bad really. It would have helped a lot. Oh well...

We both looked at Roger who looked startled. "Oh," He said and laughed faintly. "I just have been... playing in my band." He said. There was a long pause that I soon realized was just a silence. Was that all he had to say? Short and to the point. I liked it. Nice Rog. Alright. Well this was wonderful. Now what? They started staring at me again. What? Oh come on. Not this again. Oh. Did they want me to tell them what I've been up to? Was that part of the deal? I asked did I still have to answer? Well if I would have known that...

"I'm working for CNN." I said. Pretty much a few steps up from Buzzline. It was odd. That our lives really weren't so wonderful but we were all doing what we wanted to do. That was rather selfish wasn't it? We should be happy but we weren't. Money didn't make you happy. Achieving your dream didn't make you happy. Then what was it that made us happy? We all used to be happy. What happened? Why couldn't we stay together. Then we would be able to enjoy our success. Or maybe we weren't together because of our success. It was a double edged sword. We could do what we love and be miserable. Or be poor, frozen and starving but happy. Neither of the choices are wonderful. But weren't we doing what we loved in the first place? Yes, just not successfully. Why did things have to be so fucking unfair.

Life wasn't fair. That statement couldn't be truer.

"Is this what we came here for?" Roger asked slowly looking around. "To just sit here and maybe talk about our not so wonderful lives. I don't see how this is supposed to help. We're all feeling bad sure... but that doesn't mean we can help each other."

"Of course you think that." Maureen said and rolled her eyes. She did have a point. It was good to at least know that some things never change. Some things in this instance meaning Roger's attitude. Which maybe isn't such a good thing. "But... I think your right." Oh come on now Maureen. That wasn't supposed to come out of your mouth. I frowned back at her as she looked at me. "I'm sorry Mark. But maybe you're trying to fight a loosing battle."

Me? Why was I the only one fighting? Oh right. Because that's what I always did. I fought to keep this friendship alive, well that was until I stopped caring. But apparently I didn't stop caring. I must still care. I wasn't the only one who wanted to come here that was true, but I did want everything to get better.

Fucking bleeding heart cameraman indeed.

You can't stop what your true nature is. At least I can't. I still wasn't sure if Roger and Maureen had been able to or not. So far it didn't look like Roger had. But Maureen was a whole different story. I never was able to understand her. Even when we were dating. One, women are a totally scary thing to me, and two, she was an actress. She could possibly just be fooling us all with some act at the moment. You never knew with Maureen. Though I had a pretty good idea she wasn't acting. Not now.

"We have to..."

I looked around. Where did that come from? Did I say that? It looked like it. From the way the other two were looking at me. All this staring at me was making my head hurt. I needed Advil or something. But all I had was my water. Picking up the glass again and took another drink slowly just to give myself something to do.

"...Yeah." Roger said after a few moments. "We all agree our lives suck." He always had the most eloquent way of putting things. No wonder he was wonderful at writing songs. "And we all agree that they didn't start sucking until we all went our separate ways... So it's obvious what we need to do about that." Well so what we had all been thinking had been said. That should have been that. Yes. No... Why was Maureen looking so skeptical? Oh come on. What now? Stop looking at me!

"None of us got successful till after we went our separate ways though." She said slowly and looked from me to Roger then down at her hands. She was about to say something else we were all thinking but didn't want to hear. "Maybe we just weren't meant to be friends... or happy."

Yep there it was. The cold hard truth. We couldn't be happy either way we went. It just depended on what way we wanted to go. What did I want? I was doing what I loved. But I was miserable. Would I trade it for having friends but doing something I hated? I would do whatever the others wanted to do. It was there choice. Either way none of us would be happy so I didn't see why it really mattered. Roger was probably going to die soon anyway. He looked like shit. Oh that was mean Mark. Stop being such a callous bastard. But it was a fact when he died what would happen. Me and Maureen would be together... alone.

Hmm. Yes, I did like the sound of that. Though I doubted she would. Stupid Maureen and her lesbian ways. Maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing. Fucking dyke. Mark! That was just uncalled for. Either I would die alone and doing what I loved. Or die alone with someone I loved. Oh well there was a nice paradox for you. But then again it wasn't up to me. It was up to them. From the look on Maureen's face she was only here because of me and Roger. And I was only here because of her and Roger. And because of common since that meant Roger was here because me and Maureen. So we wanted to make the others happy. But we don't know what we want in the first place so we can't be happy. And we can't be happy till the other is happy.

I needed to stop. I was going to give myself an aneurism. Where did my water go?

"Maureen," Roger said after a long silence. Apparently he had been thinking about what to say in response to what she said. He was never the quickest guy around that was for sure. "Do you want to be here or not? Because you know you can leave no one is making you stay..."

**xXx**

**Review guys! I'll love you forever if you do. Really I will. **


	3. The 5 Stages

**Guess what? I still don't own RENT or anything to do with it. **

**Uhm, what else?... Oh this is in Maureen's POV now. Like that transition I did. It was slick wasn't it? Go me! Anyway read it and review it guys. I would really appreciate it if you did. And to those who did review I love you (and I hope you didn't pee your pants). **

**Anyway it's a short chapter so yeah. here it is:**

**The 5 Stages**

**xXx**

"Maureen, do you want to be here or not? Because you know you can leave no one is making you stay..."

Fuck you Roger. How fucking dare you single me out you fucking ass hole. Where the hell do you get off telling me to leave? No, repress the urge to grab Marks glass and smash it into his head. You can do it. That wouldn't help anything and then you'd be in jail and we wouldn't want that. No. Alright. Calm(er) now. Now what do you want? Do you want to leave? Like he said if you do you can. No one is making you stay. Just think this out. What do you want to do?

**DENIAL**

I did want to leave. I had half the mind to just get up and walk out the door without another word to these two. I didn't need them. What good had they ever done me? No good at all. I was shit when I was with them. What did I ever do that I was proud of when I was friends with them? What? Nothing, that was what. I didn't want to be here. I didn't _need_ to fucking be here. I was perfectly happy with how everything was in my life. I was perfectly fine. I didn't need to be surrounded by people all the time. I was doing what I always wanted to do. Mark knew. I always wanted to be on Broadway ever since I was a little girl I told everyone that the first time I met them all. I absolutely loved the way my life was. _Loved_.

**ANGER**

You hear that fucking Roger? Love. And I don't see where you fucking got off telling me what to do. You don't even know yourself what you want. I can tell. You never knew and you still don't! At least I knew what I wanted. And least I never dated a fucking junky whore who totally ruined your fucking life. Fucking April. I hated her. Hate. I still hate her. How dare she do what she did to Roger. He never did anything wrong in his life and here this stupid bitch comes waltzing around like she's miss perfect. Stupid Fangirl. Roger didn't need anyone like her in his life. He was doing perfectly fine before she showed up. But no here she came like nothing was wrong. If it wasn't for stupid April then Roger wouldn't be dying. If it wasn't for April...

**BARGAINING**

Ok, so maybe it was unfair to blame all of Roger's downfalls on April. Roger was his own person. And April wasn't so bad. She was rather fun. I knew her sort of well. She was a pretty cool girl it was just to bad she was into all those drugs and stuff. But then that would mean she would still be around and then that would mean we would have never really known Mimi. I really liked Mimi and I missed her and it was probably bad to say but I definitely would have traded April for Mimi any day. That isn't something I was proud of thinking but it was just hard to think she was gone. But I didn't know why. Everyone else was gone too. I didn't know that still shocked me.

**DEPRESSION**

That was way to hard to think about. Every time I did I felt the need to burst into tears and cling to the person sitting next to me. No repress that urge too. But it still hurt. Without Angel I could have told you things weren't going to get better. Angel was the heart of our group. No matter how we tried the glue just wasn't there anymore. And then Collins died which was probably a good thing for him because now at least he could be with Angel again. That was the positive way of looking at it but it was hard for me to look at it in that way. Collins was my best friend and I needed him. But at least then I still had Joanne. Until she couldn't take anymore and fled the city. Just up and left me alone. I was better at not flirting with other people to. I tried to change for her and she just left. And then Mimi died and that just seemed too much for all of us. We stopped talking around them. Not on purpose but we did... And that probably hurt most of all.

**ACCEPTANCE**

But now here we were at least trying to make this better. Trying to make our lives less painful then they were. Trying to find out what we could do to stop ourselves from feeling horrible day after day. Apparently jobs weren't enough. We needed each other. I could have told them that before we all started breaking up. I could have told them that and saved us a lot of time and sleepless nights. But I didn't. I could have never foreseen any of this. That would have been something that I would have never wanted to see happen to us ever. And we were trying to make it better. We just didn't know what to do. It was hard... but life was hard.

So here we were. And this was where I wanted to be. With them. With my friends. With people who had known me better then my own parents ever knew me. People who had been there for me when Joanne left. People who had always supported me in my protests no matter how stupid they were. People who loved me for who I was. People who I loved no matter what happened. No matter what stupid choices they made. No matter what stupid things they said they were my friends and you can't stop that. You can't stop loving someone you've always loved. And why would you want to? What good was love if you took it back? And what good would our efforts be if I left? They needed me as much as I need them. I wasn't going to just leave them to try to fix what was broken. I broke it too. This was all of our faults. We needed to take the blame and accept the consequences. And then once we were able to do that then I'm sure we will be able to salvage our hearts as best as we can. But that wouldn't be able to happen if I left.

So why would I leave? I've always been committed to everything I've ever done. Why would that change now when people needed me the most? I loved helping people. That had never changed. And these people were my friends. These people were the people I would give my life for. And I wanted to help them. And it hurt for me to look at them but it hurt me even more to think about leaving them.

"I don't want to leave." I said finally looking at Roger who looked slightly taken aback. "I want to stay. I want us to... _try_ to... save our relationship. I really do..."

**xXx**

**Review!**


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